Monthly Archives: February 2015

The Creat Blagoon exclusive interview: “Rommel dissed me …”

MALIBU, CALIFORNIA — (A Scarpaper Press exclusive by staff writer Alexis Morgantheau)

Creat Blagoon standing before The Cursed Man poster in his den ...

Creat Blagoon standing before The Cursed Man poster in his den …

Movie star and master of mayhem, Creat Blagoon, better known as “The Creature from the Black Lagoon,” was interviewed recently by Scarpaper Press.  Mr. Blagoon had called the Press after casting decisions were made for the upcoming thriller movie The Cursed Man based on the novel by Keith Rommel, published by Sunbury Press.  The movie is being produced by James L. Perry of Intergalaxy Entrertainment from Hollywood, CA.

AM: Mr. Blagoon, thank you so much for speaking to the Press. We are always enamored when a successful megastar such as yourself contacts us for an exclusive interview. And thank you so much for inviting us into your home!

CB: Well thank you Alexis. It is always a pleasure!

AM: So tell me, how have things been here in Malibu?

CB: Lot’s of rain lately — but I don’t mind the wet — actually prefer a mud slide once in awhile – as long as it doesn’t muck up my sea caves!

AM: Ha ha ha ha — you are so funny!

CB: No — I am effin’ serious, lady — don’t you ever mess with my sea caves!

AM: OK! So, next question …

Sensing the nervousness of this young staff writer, Blagoon bent forward and gently set his clawed webbed hand on my knee to reassure me …

CB: Ha!  I’m just joshing you!  I left those caves back in the 50s after I hit it big.  Now I just hang out here by the pool …

AM: Oh? That’s a pool?

We were sitting on some lounge chairs by what appeared to be a lilly pond.  There were frogs and dragon flies and lots of murky brown water.  Something wriggled under one of the pads — causing a ripple.

CB: Yeah — I like my water a little brackish — and brown — kind of like Tijuana sewer water!

AM: Ha ha ha ha !

CB: Ha ha ha — gurgle …

AM: So, Creat, you called to talk about the upcoming The Cursed Man movie …

CB: Indeed I did.

AM: I checked online, and it looks like the film production is wrapping up.  Sounds like it will be a successful release later this year.  I also read the novel — fantastic!

CB: I don’t know about the novel — can’t read books very well — my claws and scales do a number on the paper when I try to turn the pages. My ex wife, Cleona, bought me a Kindle once, but it shorted out in the pool ..

AM: OK, so how did you hear about the film?

CB: My agent, Barney Rhubarb, called me when the casting call went out last year.  I thought for sure these guys would want to hire a classic monster type for the Duppy role — this personification of death.  If anyone personified death for a generation, it was yours truly!

AM: So I hear. My grandmother would tell stories of her screaming at the drive-in when she was a teen in the early 50s.  You have aged well, sir!

CB: Yeah, we sahuagins have a lifespan of a Galapagos tortoise — sometimes 200 years!  I’m just getting started, baby.  That’s my point!

AM: Well, you’ve certainly come out of your shell!

CB: Hahahaha — good one Alexis .. good one …

Creat lit up another cigar and poured us both some brandy.

CB: But Rhubarb couldn’t get me in the place.  I couldn’t find out why for the longest time. So, I followed the author around for awhile — stalked him to a book signing in Mechanicsburg last Fall.  I wanted to know what was going on, so I banged on his hotel room door and some big muscular dude named Eddie stepped out and told me to “F**k off!”

AM: I hear Mr. Rommel travels with a bodyguard.

CB: Well, I could’ve taken him, but Keith was out galavanting around with the ladies, so I thought I’d hold back.

AM: So, what did you do?

Creat carrying off the budding movie star ...

Creat carrying off the budding movie star …

CB: I waited and waited and waited until he came back.  He went into the room with Big Eddie — who told him I came by.  I listened at the door and heard Keith say, “You don’t understand, Eddie. Creat Blagoon never gets that movie. That part is perfect for him. It’ll make him a big star. I’m gonna run him out of the movies. And let me tell you why. Creat Blagoon ruined one of my most valuable proteges. For three years we had her under contract, singing lessons, dancing lessons, acting lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was gonna make her a big star. And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I’m not a hard-hearted man, that it’s not all dollars and cents. She was beautiful! She was young, she was innocent. She was the greatest piece of ass I’ve ever had, and I’ve had ’em all over the world. And then Creat Blagoon comes along with his gravelly voice and sahuagin charm and she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous. And a man in my position can’t afford to be made to look ridiculous. Now you tell him to get the hell out of here! And if that lungfish tries any rough stuff, you tell him I ain’t no bandleader. Yeah, I heard that story.

(to be continued)

 

 

Zombies Sighted In South Africa: Several Witnesses Reported Sightings of the Walking Dead

Mason Barry Monday 22 July 2013

Voodoo_doctor(2)The Unit, a specialized police force dedicated to supernatural crimes, is looking into several zombie sightings. Inspector Dusu of the Unit said, “In light of recent crimes, we are taking these sightings very seriously.” The recent crimes Dusu refers to are the robberies of body parts and corpses from graveyards.

According to South African legend, zombies are brought to life by sangomas. The zombies are then used to do the sangoma’s bidding.

Police Captain Massu Thuzien said, “This is all nonsense. The last case we had of a zombie was from a man who claimed his wife had come back from the dead. It turned out to be a mistaken identity. The woman he thought was his wife was an escaped schizophrenic from a local hospital who looked very similar to his wife.”

Scientific evidence has introduced another theory. Tetrodotoxin, a neurotoxin found in puffer fish, can induce a trance-like state by introducing the toxin into the bloodstream.

Inspector Tseme Dusu rejected the scientific theory. “Tetrodotoxin is extremely toxic, one hundred times more poisonous than cyanide. Even if someone with an expert knowledge of the toxin injected it into a human’s bloodstream without causing death, the tetrodotoxin would leave the victim paralyzed.”  

(this is a fictional news item related to the new novel The Bookseller’s Secret by Catherine Jordan)

South African Police Hunt Grave Robbers: Body Parts are Being Removed From Graves

Mason Barry Monday 8 July 2013

201312794330482734_20Police are looking into a bizarre trend of grave robberies in the north province area. The robbers are exhuming bodies within hours of burial and removing body parts from the deceased. At least one open grave was missing the entire corpse.

Police officer and spokesperson Captain Massu Thuzien said, “We do not know why anyone would do this. We have launched an investigation, but, as of yet, we do not have any leads.”

No witnesses have been found in any of the crimes, and police are asking the public to come forward with any information they might have.

When asked if the robbers are targeting the graves for black magic purposes, Captain Thuzien said, “These past few bizarre incidents have been very difficult for the families. We want everything left in the hands of the police.”

 

(this is a fictional news item related to the new novel The Bookseller’s Secret by Catherine Jordan